• Kirsti Gwynn

How Negative Emotions Can Help You to Be Happier

Do you know what I love about negative emotions?

Yes, you read that correctly - there is something I really like about feelings like guilt, regret, sadness, anxiety, and even anger.

It’s that they have so much to teach me about what is important to me, and the kind of person I would like to be.

For example, I always seem to get really angry if I see someone being treated unfairly. That tells me I’m the kind of person who likes to be fair.

Sadness shows me what I value, what I’d like to hold close. Though I may learn this when I’ve already lost something important to me, sadness guides me to be more appreciative of similar things in the future.

Anxiety shows me what I’m afraid to lose, and therefore what I want. If you’re afraid of being rejected, after all, that’s just the other side of wanting to belong. And if I have a lot of fear around failing in a certain area, I know it would mean an awful lot to me if I were to succeed.

Negative emotions tend to occur when there is a disconnect between what is important to you, and your experience.

They are a sign of your values, hopes, and expectations.

The point of negative feelings is quite positive: they set you up to be happier going forward. They attempt to reorient you to prioritise the things that are important to you, and sometimes they invite you to change your behaviour so that it’s more aligned to your values.

When I first moved to the UK, I spent months feeling sad and guilty about how disconnected I felt from my family back home.  

“I really should keep in touch more,” I would hear myself say over and over. 

I was really missing my family, I felt sad about it and bad about it, but I’m embarassed to say that for almost a year I shied away from the discomfort of those feelings. 

I never really looked at them closely enough to consider what they were trying to tell me.

For months, therefore, I went on feeling sad and disconnected. I kept feeling guilty about not keeping in touch. 

I think about those feelings now, desperately trying to get my attention: “HELLO? Are you even listening?!”

When I finally stopped and paid attention what they had to say, this is what I discovered:

I value being close with my family.

It’s important to me to keep in touch.

I want to be the person who picks up the phone.